I really don’t know why I do it and was wondering if anyone else does the same. James works away and since he has been doing it I’ve got into the habit of making the house tidy before he comes back. It’s not like I have enough to do already looking after 3 children and one who isn’t very good at sleeping meaning I’m exhausted. I rush around like a mad women at least for the 24 hours before he is back, sometimes I will plan and start it days before writing a list of a plan of action. The house is always cluttered, there is always washing that could be done and toys to be put away. I try and keep on top of it although I know he would disagree that I do. I think one time a comment after hours of work was, it’s getting better (still room for improvement then!). Some weeks if work is busy, I don’t have time to wash my hair never-mind the bathroom! Maybe that’s where this has come from. I want to prove that I can do it, I can be this perfect housewife that I feel I should be.
I remember my Mum would always have to have a clean and tidy the house before anyone came over, even making sure it was spotless before we went on holiday. I thought she was mad and swore I would never be like it but I am. The thought of someone turning up unannounced fills me with fear. I guess I think people will judge me for how my house is. It’s not usually dirty unless someone has trodden in some mud or there are crumbs on the floor from a snack. We don’t have a dishwasher at the moment which stresses me out as it means you can’t hide the dirty dishes anywhere and the kitchen always looks cluttered. I hoover at least once a day but yes it could be cleaner if no one lived in it.
This afternoon we came back home after I had been shopping and the boys had been at football, I drove past the country park and thought of stopping but the little voice in the back of my head was telling me all the stuff I needed to do. It’s not the first time I’ve put off doing things to get tidy. I’ve even put off play dates and days out if they are the day before he comes back as I know I will need to be cleaning. I’ve do it with friends too putting people off coming over, the thought of all the things I would need to do to make the house perfect makes me break out in a cold sweat.
The thing is that because I started doing it, I feel like I need to keep it up. I think the first time he was away for a stretch of time his Mum was coming to visit the day he got back, so I really did need to make the house clean and tidy. I spent days with Ava on me in the sling trying to get a bit at a time done. So now if he comes home to a total bomb site, which to be honest is what it should be after the last few days we have had, in my head I will look like I’ve failed and I think it would be in his head too. I know I haven’t really, the kids are alive, relatively clean (hopefully) and there is food in the cupboards. So why do I feel the need to do it, I’m far from the perfect housewife, it’s not something I ever wanted to be so why do I beat myself up about it?