Starting School – I want to keep you on my lap a little longer
September 6, 2015
My little Finlay woo I can’t believe you are old enough to be starting School tomorrow. You’re ready to go, it’s me that’s not ready.
Every Mum feels fiercely protective of their child, but with you that protective feeling has always been strong, it had to be.
When you were just 4 weeks old, the doctors thought you had sepsis!
You were so, so poorly.
Hearing your screams as they did the lumbar puncture from down the corridor, I was sobbing with fear, unable to help you.
It’s a moment that will haunt me forever.
It went against every single instinct in me, the nurses stopping me from going in, holding me in the corridor when I should have been holding you.
I thought I was going to loose you that night!
I stayed awake at the side of your cot my tired eyes too scared to close, watching every breath that you took, terrified at the sight of your little grey face, all the tubes and wires.
It triggered something in me.
Through your recovery and the numerous hospital visits after it was always me there, 24/7 the one who didn’t leave your side.
It felt like me and you against the world!
I would hold you carefully, picking you up gently avoiding the tubes and wires, feel you breathing on my neck, feel your fragile body struggling against the raging fevers.
It was me that would watch and wait for you to get better. Then I would hold my breath waiting for it to happen again. I would try and relax, try and enjoy you. But that fear was there, forever present.
Through all the night feeds I would hold you tightly, constantly check on you sleeping as thats when it would hit, when your lips would go blue from your swelling tonsils. They didn’t know what was wrong and why you kept getting so ill, even testing your immune system.
Over the years, slowly and surely the visits to the hospital got less, you got bigger and stronger.
Last week when you suddenly got a fever when we were in London, the fear came back. That night I checked on you, watched you breathing and cried myself to sleep. The thought of my little baby so ill being brought up again. It’s still there in me.
When you were just two, still a baby and your Dad left I can remember looking at you. Your beautiful face, big blue eyes and little blonde curls and I couldn’t understand how anyone would want to leave you.
It broke my heart that I couldn’t do more to protect you!
Every night you would come in to my bed, finding a spot to curl up next to me. Your head resting under my chin you would instantly go back to sleep. Your little warm body giving me comfort on the lonely nights.
It was back to being me and you and your brother against the World. I swore in those nights and days that I would love you enough for two people. That you wouldn’t go without love.
You haven’t I love you so fiercely and always will!
As a toddler you were a shy, calm little thing, sitting on my lap watching and waiting looking to me for reassurance before you were ready to get down and explore on your own. Constantly keeping your eye on me and coming back before venturing out again.
I want to keep you on my lap for a little bit longer!
Stroke your hair, feel your breath on my neck as you reach for a cuddle and your little hand reach for mine as you say Mummy I love you.
I’m so proud of the little boy you are becoming, but I’m not ready.