So that’s it, my maternity leave is over and I’m not sure how I feel.
Maternity leave hasn’t been the wonderful relaxing time I thought it was going to be. I have loved not being at work, but I’ve also had in the back of my mind that it’s not forever and so have been trying to make the most of the time I have had. The last few months I feel like it has been a constant rush of School and Pre-School drop off’s and pick ups and trying to fit in keeping on top of the house, looking after a pretty demanding baby and trying to do things with her and the boys. Even though I have had no work I hardly ever get to see my friends as fitting it in around times I need to collect Finlay from pre school is difficult. In the evenings I’ve managed 2 nights away from the house with friends since she has been born. The last time by 9 I was getting messages saying she was upset. Not exactly a successful break. If I can’t manage any time out now, how am I going to manage it when I’m back at work?
When I go back I’m not going to be able to see them 2 mornings a week and 3 after school. I’m going to get home at bedtime and leave as soon as they are up. I’m not going to be able to make sure they get to School ok, to talk to their teachers about what has been going on. I’m going to miss Finlay’s first week at School and I’ve already missed taking him and picking him up from transition day as I was working at mine. I won’t be able to go to things that are on at the School as I will be doing those same things at mine.
I might miss Ava’s first words, first steps and many more. I’m not going to be there when she wants a cuddle and when she wakes from a nap. I’ve been there every day of her life and now I’m going to miss so much. I’m worried that she is going to wonder where I have gone, that she is going to think I don’t care, I don’t want to be there. I do, I desperately do!
I’m not sure how I’m going to be a good Mummy, a good teacher and a good girlfriend. I already feel like I’m constantly juggling and there aren’t enough hours in the day. How am I going to cope with work thrown in the mix? Then the planning and preparation that comes with my job on top of the hours I am away. How am I going to be able to be there for all of my children? How am I going to do it all? I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to give 100% to anything and everything will be half hearted. I want to 100% be there for my children and I’m not going to be.
I’m dreading the guilt I know I’m going to feel, the tears I know I’m going to cry. I know I’m going to miss precious time with them that I will never get back and yet I’m doing it for them. I’m doing it so we can afford to live, afford to eat, buy clothes and do a couple of clubs. I’m not doing it so we can go on expensive holidays and have nice cars. I’m not doing it because I have a career that I enjoy, that excites me and I wake up wanting to go to. I’m doing it because I have to and maybe that is why it’s so hard.