I cried earlier, packing away Kyle’s football kit to give back to his coach, tears of frustration, anger and sadness. Being a parent is tough anyway but sometimes it totally sucks, especially when there is something upsetting your child that you can’t do anything about despite the trying!
I don’t like the cold, rain or mud and yet I happily stood in it most Saturday’s last season to support Kyle who wanted to play football. That’s what being a parent is about to me, giving them the chance to have a go, to succeed, to do something they enjoy even if you don’t.
It’s not about me or anyone else, it’s about them!
So to have the decision on whether to play in the team taken away from him has made me feel like I have failed. I want him to be able to play football if that’s what he wants.
He now can’t!
The requirement this year is that he attends training during the week one evening and either a match or more training on the Saturday. He was going to miss every other Saturday when I don’t have him, this could not be rectified, I tried and the coach tried. No reason was given making it harder to sort, just a reply saying he would be missing every other week met by silence when I tried to find out how to make it work.
Last week at the first match of the season he played so well, so happy with his friends despite the pouring rain he smiled over at me on the sidelines and I wanted to cry. I knew it was probably going to be the last match, maybe the last football match on a Saturday he ever plays.
The coach wanted to know if he was going to be there the following week and I had to say he wasn’t. They were discussing it over Kyle who was standing next to me holding my hand and I could see the crumpled expression on his face, still so little sometimes. I desperately wanted to make it better, to take it all away and make his life easier, but I couldn’t, I can’t.
This is not what I wanted for them, it’s not a normal childhood.
My heart breaks for them when they are effected by something that was nothing to do with them.
I know there isn’t a lot I can do but it still hurts, but I will continue to be there, to support him in any way I can and hopefully he will know I tried my best.