A complicated Christmas

I love Christmas. It’s really magical now that I have children. I just wish it was easier. We now have what I would call a complicated Christmas. I can remember sitting in the staff room a few years ago, before the divorce, listening to a lady I worked with saying how her children were spending Christmas with their Dad. I felt so sad for her, I just couldn’t imagine spending Christmas without my children. Little did I know it would become reality for me in a few years.

I had the boys last Christmas which I was so happy about. I totally psyched myself up for the day and put so much pressure on myself to make it extra special. I wanted to prove to myself and the boys that I could still make it magical for them.  When it was stressful, not magical, with all the juggling and timings. I spent the evening in tears, worrying I had ruined their day. I knew it wasn’t the same for them or me anymore and never would be again. They will never get to spend Christmas with their Mum and Dad together as a family. Instead they will spend it going between the two. Forever feeling torn. 
I spent Boxing Day on my own with my Mum and Dad. My boys had gone to their dads and my oh had taken his little boy down to Devon to visit family. The timings were so complicated between when my boys were with their Dad and how long my oh had his little boy for that we couldn’t go together. I spent the day feeling really down (no offence mum and dad) I went home to an empty house and had another good cry. To me Christmas is about family, I felt like mine had been shattered! 
As this Christmas is approaching I find myself dreading it, rather than looking forward to it. We have added in a baby between us which I’m hoping will help to bring Christmas together and not complicate it more. As much as you try it’s not the same as an uncomplicated Christmas. In an ideal world we would have everyone with us all day as that’s when it feels like family to me now. I get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my boys before they go to their Dads Boxing Day and I want to enjoy every second. Especially as it’s baby girls first Christmas. (Here comes the pressure again) I’m then going to Devon this year with baby girl, the oh and his little boy as the timings have worked better. This means that I’m not on my own, but also means I really do need to make the most of Christmas Day with all of us together.
I’m not sure if Christmas and occasions like this will ever get easier. I can see it being a never ending time of juggling everyone. Split families aren’t the easiest but are even harder at Christmas. My heart goes out to everyone who struggles at Christmas. Parents separated from  their children, partners and family members who are apart for whatever reasons. 

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